For the past two plus years I noticed that our lives revolved around our family, around T1D, and trying to balance work, school (I mean hey we have two parents in college too), just everything in between. Around 6 months ago or so, actually right when I started this blog, I started becoming very overwhelmed. Now many of you know what I do for a living, but I deal with a huge amount of stress in my job and other people’s every day dilemma’s. I attempt not to bring that home with me but sometimes it spills over. I remember looking at Andy one day and saying, “I think I need to go see something, I feel like I am reaching my snapping point”. I think he understood but was slightly confused because I always put on such a strong face and try to make it seem like everything is okay all the time. Well, that is what Mom’s do right?
So, I held everything down for another month or so until it didn’t get any better. It felt like I was trapped, like I wanted to scream all the time. So, I made an appointment with my PCP. I didn’t care at the point what people thought, at that point what anyone thought didn’t matter because I knew I needed help from someone. When I approached my doctor with everything that was going on, she was very attentive and listened. It was the most relief I had felt in months. Not saying Andy hadn’t tried, because God knows he had tried, but talking to your husband about these things just isn’t the same as unloading everything onto a stranger. After about an hour appointment and some tears, she decided an anti-anxiety medication might be beneficial since I seem to have a lot on my plate. We started out on Wellbutrin on a very low dose. She went over all of the side effects and told me to come back in 30 days or sooner if I didn’t feel any relief.
Fast forward to about 3 months later, two dosage adjustments later and I was doing wonderful. It completely helped with the overwhelming feeling. There was only one problem. It caused major headaches. I had spent the last 4 years without a migraine or a headache which I had suffered from all of my life so to take this pill and have them come back, was it worth it? Life had started to calm down a little. We had figured out how to handle some things with Abbie a little better, I had stopped school for a little while, work was slowing down (well as much as 911 could) … so I decided let’s wean myself off this and see what happens.
I had also decided a couple other things about our life. We needed to focus on us a little more too. We had stopped that part, everything was about the girls. And I mean everything. From the time we woke up in the morning until the time we went to sleep. Whether it had to do with diabetes, school, dinner, housework, what to do on the weekends or anything in between. We had stopped dating each other. So, I decided at that moment I had every other weekend off and at least one of those weekend nights we would have a date night of some kind. Whether we went out together or with friends it would be kid free. I also decided I had left my friends behind. I stopped seeing them, stopped hanging out with them and in short, I had lost myself. So, I wanted to make time for them as well.
Please don’t get me wrong, I know this doesn’t work for everyone especially those with newly diagnosed or those with very young children. But Abbie is almost 12 and has been diagnosed almost 3 years. We have four phones in the house and neighbors that are amazing. Has it worked? I think it has, it has helped my sanity at least. It has helped show my daughter that we trust her a little more and gave her some self-confidence and she is doing wonderfully with her care. We talk a little less each day about her T1D and more about us as a family. Are we perfect? Good lord no, not by any means, but we try and I think that is what matters and we try which is all that most of us can ask for.
So, the moral of this post is to always remember to take care of you. If you are failing you, then how do you expect to take care of anyone else.